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Well this post is probably more than over due. I started to change my blog to get a variety of posts, with subjects in lifestyle and inspiring or motivational quotes. But I started this blog to write about my experiences and my thoughts.
So as I mentioned in earlier posts, after I came back from America I felt like everything was falling apart. I lost probably some of the most important people in my life, because I wasn't able to deal with my depressions. And I thought my only way to happiness is having structure in my life. To plan every little detail of my life. Since I started first grade or even earlier - I don't really remember -, but since then I have the constant need to prove everyone what I am doing. One of the most thoughts is: What will my parents think? But shouldn't it be what I think. Shouldn't every single person be happy with what they're doing and not care about what whoever will think about it. I am not even 18 yet and I don't have to have everything figured out yet. And I don't always have to make the "right" decisions. There is gonna be enough time left for me to think about everything I have done wrong or didn't do in my life. Because 99% of the time I didn't took the opportunity that was right ahead of me, because I was scared of my parents, the consequences or what might happen I regretted afterwards that I didn't do it. A lot of people have been telling me lately that I seem happier than like 2 months ago. I feel happier. And I know I am happier. So no one ever actually cared on how their decision might effect me, so why should I care what others think as long as I am happy? And this probably sounds really selfish but in the society of today you have to act selfish to not fall on the ground and break. Just lately I have been starting to realize that I enjoy finding myself, to not have everything planned and figured out. And it makes me happy. And everyone should be able to do what makes them happy without society telling us what is right or wrong and good or bad. Don't try to be someone else because society is telling you to. 1. TO SINK INTO SELF-PITYIf you keep asking why me, you'll never get to the ground of it. Self pity makes a huge deal about some bad luck. Instead of an ease it puts everything in negativity. And apart of that it annoys all the people around you. 2. ALWAYS LISTEN TO OTHERUsually no one knows us as good as ourselves. So does it make sense to make decisions about outfits, drinks or whatever based on what other people tell us to. Rather ask: What do I like? What make ME happy? What is good forMe? Even when the answer might be something else, than the rest of the world would have given you. 3. TO LIVE IN THE PAST Memories are nice and a little bit of nostalgia isn't bad with a glass of red wine in the evening. But who lives in the past puts more weight in the past than the present, and misses instant. And doesn't realize how beautiful it is right now, and might be something we would like to look back to later. 4. TO SEE THE FUTURE AS A RESCUERRight now everything stinks - but oh well, someday everything is going to get better or not? Dreams about the future are nice and motivating or even exciting. But if we always hope for even better and bigger, we miss - once again - the present. The only time, we can actually bring in shape. 5. TO COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHERS There are thousands of reason to envy other people about what they might have. Maybe the pretty body of your best friend even though she is eating all the time. Or even the pretty awesome career of the person you met last weekend. But the good thing is: It has abosultely nothing to do with yourself. Rather focus on your strengths and what you love to do. 6. TO ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF BACK IN THE LINE Between the girlfriend, the shoulder-to-cry-on, the daughter, party crasher, athlete and being a work ace the most important things gets forgotten: YOURSELF. If you're regularly alone, listen to your inner you and do exactely what feels right, is collecting energy and balanced and therefore ready again to achive all the duties. 7. TO ALWAYS DEPEND ON OTHERS You have a boyfriend? Great. And in addition a best friend? Even better. But your luck or bad luck isn't depending on either one of them or anything else. It is is important that we learn to spend time by ourselves but still have blast and also to be strong and independent.
You never apologized for anything you put me trough. And you probably didn't even notice it because people usually don't notice things they don't care about. I was just another person that made you feel worth something better. All you ever did was make me feel incomplete and broken. I looked in the mirror trying to figure out why this friendship meant so less to you and so much to me. I always felt what I was to you but I tried to ignore it for as long as I could. When you know a person that means the world to you doesn't care about you, something inside you shuts off. I think what destroyed me the most was trying look for something that wasn't there.
I haven't been posting any posts lately of various reasons. But I am starting all over again.
I am uploading a blog post every day from now on. Maybe not that long but always something. Some people are getting offended by some of my posts. But I just wanted to say that all I have been posting and will post are personal thoughts and feelings. And I hope everyone understands that I am not trying to hurt anyone with anything I post. Have you ever felt like no one cares about you? Have you ever felt left out? Have you ever felt like no one hears you? If every single person would answer these questions truthfully, maybe we would be nicer to each other. Because I feel like that almost every single day. People are tired of getting hurt and build a wall around them. Just care about their on well being and not what the other person might feel. What makes me feel not wanted? It breaks my heart every time a little more going on Facebook, seeing my exchange student friends getting tagged in posts how much they are missed of people. It hurts to realize no one is missing you, no one ever thinks about you. And when I tell people how I am they are telling me I shouldn't be upset and not everything in their exchange year has been good and other stuff like that. Do you ever think how other people had it much worse than you? And none of them are complaining. But they should! People should know how much worse it could have went for them. How other people got treated and that not everything is perfect. Everyone is trying so hard to make it look like one perfect year. But not only does it hurt getting reminded how my past was, but it makes it much worse seeing how my friends here don't care about me.
Once again the feeling of being left out is coming back, when friends have big weekend plans but none of them bothers to ask you. Then sitting at home being on social media, watching how much fun they are having. Or trying to tell people how you are actually feeling today, but they say to your face they don't care. Or they don't even have time to listen. Or don't even hit me up with a small message. I am not trying to say it is all the time like this. But such moments hit you just once in a while. And it wouldn't even be that bad, when you know you got someone to lean on. I am not saying this because I want pitty of other people. I want you, to realize how your behaviour can have an impact on other people. Maybe even just a small message once in a while or call. Just know how you're treating people and think before you say something that could maybe hurt other people. MY EXCHANGE YEARI am going to start at the beginning, even before the start of my exchange year. I was just in preparations for my exchange year and on summer vacation, when I got the mail about my host family. But it wasn't a host family, it was a single host mom. And I know it is hard for a single mom to deal with kids. But I was excited to have a host family. I didn't get to grow up with my dad around. I mean I see my father every other week, but it never felt like growing up like a normal family. It would have been just for one year but I was excited. I was not only excited for my host family, but for the whole year. My programm told us so much, we are going to be able to. You had to get your hopes up. Because I was so late in the exchange student system they didn't give me the chance to even say I rather would have two parents. I felt pressured to say yes. So I just went on and accepted the fact. I was glad that the relationship between my hostmom and me was great. At first I thought my host brother is a little weird. But as you get to know him he was really nice. I mean he still aggravated me sometimes, but I guess that is just a sibling thing. The summer before school started was fun. We did a lot of things and I was busy. School started, I was excited to meet new people, make new friends, have different classes than back home, being able to try sports I've never played. All those things didn't happen. People didn't want to get to know me, not even teachers. They didn't want to be friends with me, or at least not out of the school walls. My classes weren't really fun without having someone to talk to and I was not allowed to do any sports. Sport is what kept me going the year before my exchange year. I was in a better mood and I felt better with doing sport 4 times a week. In my freetime I tried to go running by myself but it was just making me realize more how lonely I am. And with every exchange student meeting it got worse. I was friends with exchange students. I still am. But it made me feel so sad about my whole situation, seeing them having a great time at school, at church or with their host families. Yes, I know my host mother has an advanced age but it still made me jealous seeing all those kids having the time of their lifes. With every week it got worse. I got more and more homesick. Missing my family and friends back home. But what kept me going trough this whole time, was one hell of a bestfriend. I don't think I would have stayed in Alabama without him. Probably the worst decision of the whole year was going to prom. I wasted so much money on one night just to look pretty and hoping someone might like my appearance and wants to be friends.. And going to a stupid after party to maybe have the chance of a great night. A night I will always remember. I will for sure remember this night but not for the reasons I would like to remember it. At this point of my exchange year I was so much in trouble because of one night, that I didn't even care anymore if I got sent home or not. I took all the blame, or at least I tried to take all the blame. After this rough time the relationship between my hostmom and me also changed. I had to stay a lot of times at my coordinator or her son came over to watch us. Or I had to stay at my host sisters. Once again I felt unwanted. I know it was the only way my host mom was able to effort me and my host brother, but once and then I felt like, would it even make a difference if I leave? I realized a tension building in our relationship. But I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Later on I got an e-mail of everything I was apparently doing wrong. I was talking to my parents because they got that mail too. And I was upset because, how is it fair to not only tell my parents but also my RC without even talking to me? I wasn't aware of all those things I do wrong. I am not saying I agree with all those point, but giving me the chance to even discuss about it. So I took all my energy and talked to her about it and tried to cooperate. I thought we talked about everything, and everything is fine again. Until the next day. Already after school when she picked me up, I felt the weird aura. I did not ask about it, it wasn't necessary. As soon as we got home she accused me of stealing. Frustraded of the whole situation I called my parents and as soon as I hung up my programm already called me to make sure I get ready to leave, to pack my stuff and be ready when they get here. I really didn't care anymore what is going to happen. But my RC made it possible for me to stay at her house. My RC has during the whole year always been like a mother to be. She is probably the most loving person. And still did I and my friends cause her problems. But because she is so busy, what definetly is not her fault. I felt again like I just should have went home. I didn't want to bother her all the time, so I tried to make as much as I can with friends. It probably was wrong to be out so much. But it made me feel less home sick than just being home and waiting for her to get back. The few days before I left I didnt realize that I should have taken my time to spend it with her. What makes me feel even more bad about myself. Because she was trying so hard for me after all of this to still have a good time. (I don't wanna say with this that I only had bad times during my exchange year, there where so many moments no one can ever replace. Most of those moment you find on my blog.) SINCE I'M BACK IN SWITZERLANDI was excited and ready to go home at this point of my year. But getting home was everything else than I expected. All of my friends got a new group of friends. It made feel like I'm not a part of the group. They didn't want to be my friends. Or most of my friends don't even care about me anymore. And I was just third wheeling everywhere I went with them.
It was so hard to enjoy summer and now that it got real good it's already over. I got a summer job at Mc Donalds, where I've been really busy working most of the summer. Until my apprenticeship started. I was excited to get to work in an office. But school was making me a nervous wreck. Anyhow, my job turned out to be a bummer. I am most of the time bored, I don't feel like a part of my team or even wanted from the people I work with. It is a huge diffrence to Mc Donalds, I was from the first day a family member. And I still am when I visit them. I'm ready to be working there again at the end of fall. What if no one is going to like me again? What if I don't fit in? My thoughts before my first day of school. The first day was not that bad in school but the two following weeks. But now some of my classes are really hard, but I always have fun with my friends. So school is better than expected. Everyday before I have to go to work I have to prepare myself mentally. I don't get instructions and as soon as I do something wrong, everything is my fault. Sometimes I can't take it anymore and cry in the restroom. All this time I have always been afraid of not being liked or not belonging where I am. I never felt this way before I went on my exchange year. I have always been confident. After a few month I realized I can't keep going with the life I have. I wanna be happy person. I don't want to cry myself to sleep because I am not happy with one year of my life, or because the situation I am in. But I am for sure going to be more positive. I am getting help with my depression and I hope my anxiety will fade away with that too. Right now I am questioning if I want to keep on doing this job. I am getting informations about stuff that I could be more instressted in. I would be sad to leave my class in school. Since I get along so well with most of them. But maybe I just make this 3 years, and work a few times a month at Mc Donalds and get good grades. After that I want to travel for a few year or study journalism. I will see what the future brings. I am already changing a lot in my life what gives me energy. I just make small steps every day but I keep on moving forward. Even a thousand words won't bring her back. You try so hard to hold on, but on one small second loved ones are gone. Sometimes at night I pray for Nana, even though I know she won't come back. I wish that she could have stayed, but God took her to all of his angels, and has ended her pain. I miss her more every hour and every day. But like most of you people might know, she woudldn't want us to be sad. And all of my memories of her are happy ones. And for this reason I wrote a poem with some inspirational help for her. To my dearest Nana Up in heaven high, high above I know today you're with us all And sending all your love Today we all remember you And bid you one last goodbye Celebrate the life you've had And maybe have a cry You'll nevr be forgotten Nana I'll just close my eyes and see Your smiling face and happy person And you'll be close to me You had such a long live So many have so less It was your time the angels came And placed you with the best So dear Nana up above Altough you're no longer here In my heart is where I'll keep you Forever you'll be near 16.07.2016 This is the text that I wrote for the ceremony of the funeral.
The end of my exchange year came really fast. But in a few days I am gonna upload a blog post abbout my whole year and my experience. Since I've been back in Switzerland... My family and my two best friends came to pick me up at the airport. I was suprise I only expected my mom to come and get me. After some of my family members left, I went home, where my mom prepared brunch for me. I was really excited because breakfast is my favorite food. And I good bread! After one year with no real bread. I was craving Swiss food. Anyways after we ate, my friends and I went to Zurich where we met up with one of my best friends. He had school all morning and couldn't come to the airport. It was so weird to use puplic transportation and in general walking around in the city. Almost every time I started to talk in English. It was so weird the first few days.
For supper I went back home and spent some time with my family. Later that evening I met up with some other friends. Basically all of my first few back home I spent time with old friends. But I didn't feel like a part of the group. All of my friends got new friends. And I didn't fit in. I still don't feel completly comfortable with all those new people around, I feel like as if they don't like me. I was excited to come home, because all my exchange year I didn't really feel like I got any friends (For all my exchange friends please don't get offended by this), and when I finally was home I felt again like I don't have any friends. A lot of my friends changed or are not even friends with my friends anymore. It was just a lot to handle. Now three weeks after I arrived here, I still have to convince myself everytime to do something wit my friends, because I am afraid of the feeling to be left out. Just the other day I talked to a really good friend, who confronted me with the fact, that I don't seem really happy to be around my friends. And I told him all this, how I feel. And he made me realize that I have just been back for three weeks, for me it felt like I have been back for like three months. He told me to give it some time, to spend more time with my friends and getting settle in my group again. I feel like I have never been so busy in my life like right now. I am running around for my mom, my job that I am starting in August, and I just got a summer job at Mac Donalds. All in all I am trying to get as much done, as long as I can. Yes, I know I got really bad in updating my blog. But most part of the people who read my blog is anyways my family, so I try to keep them updated anyways. I have been busy those past few weeks.
There's a lot going on in this time of the year in America. Well my best danish friend had her birthday this month. In school we had so much going on. Like finals and other end of the school stuff. And on friday I graduated. And I spent most of time with my friends and my family. Well Penny keeps me busy, when I'm at home. I never thought during this whole year I'm gonna get to the point where I'm saying "I don't wanna go home." This year has probably been one of the most difficult things in my life. I wanted to give up so many times, and I'm so greatful for those people who kept me going, my family back home, who always supported me, my friend Julie, my RC and now hostmom Penny and Marco. Marco has been my best friend this whole year. And I couldn't wish for a better best friend than him. Every single day of my exchange year he has been here. Every time I needed someone to talk to, someone to help me, or ride, whatever it was he has been there. I seriously don't think I would still be here, if he wasn't my friend. Anyways I don't think in any other year of my life I learned more than in this. I am not talking education wise. I mean I have learned so much, about people, American culture, Mexican culture, and most likely about myself. There are some other things I wanna write about but I don't really know how right now. So, I am gonna say for now, that this past few weeks, made up so much for my whole year. And I am really happy with my life. I am happy for what I have. I have amazing people in my life. I have everything I need and I couldn't wish for more. |
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