MY EXCHANGE YEARI am going to start at the beginning, even before the start of my exchange year. I was just in preparations for my exchange year and on summer vacation, when I got the mail about my host family. But it wasn't a host family, it was a single host mom. And I know it is hard for a single mom to deal with kids. But I was excited to have a host family. I didn't get to grow up with my dad around. I mean I see my father every other week, but it never felt like growing up like a normal family. It would have been just for one year but I was excited. I was not only excited for my host family, but for the whole year. My programm told us so much, we are going to be able to. You had to get your hopes up. Because I was so late in the exchange student system they didn't give me the chance to even say I rather would have two parents. I felt pressured to say yes. So I just went on and accepted the fact. I was glad that the relationship between my hostmom and me was great. At first I thought my host brother is a little weird. But as you get to know him he was really nice. I mean he still aggravated me sometimes, but I guess that is just a sibling thing. The summer before school started was fun. We did a lot of things and I was busy. School started, I was excited to meet new people, make new friends, have different classes than back home, being able to try sports I've never played. All those things didn't happen. People didn't want to get to know me, not even teachers. They didn't want to be friends with me, or at least not out of the school walls. My classes weren't really fun without having someone to talk to and I was not allowed to do any sports. Sport is what kept me going the year before my exchange year. I was in a better mood and I felt better with doing sport 4 times a week. In my freetime I tried to go running by myself but it was just making me realize more how lonely I am. And with every exchange student meeting it got worse. I was friends with exchange students. I still am. But it made me feel so sad about my whole situation, seeing them having a great time at school, at church or with their host families. Yes, I know my host mother has an advanced age but it still made me jealous seeing all those kids having the time of their lifes. With every week it got worse. I got more and more homesick. Missing my family and friends back home. But what kept me going trough this whole time, was one hell of a bestfriend. I don't think I would have stayed in Alabama without him. Probably the worst decision of the whole year was going to prom. I wasted so much money on one night just to look pretty and hoping someone might like my appearance and wants to be friends.. And going to a stupid after party to maybe have the chance of a great night. A night I will always remember. I will for sure remember this night but not for the reasons I would like to remember it. At this point of my exchange year I was so much in trouble because of one night, that I didn't even care anymore if I got sent home or not. I took all the blame, or at least I tried to take all the blame. After this rough time the relationship between my hostmom and me also changed. I had to stay a lot of times at my coordinator or her son came over to watch us. Or I had to stay at my host sisters. Once again I felt unwanted. I know it was the only way my host mom was able to effort me and my host brother, but once and then I felt like, would it even make a difference if I leave? I realized a tension building in our relationship. But I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Later on I got an e-mail of everything I was apparently doing wrong. I was talking to my parents because they got that mail too. And I was upset because, how is it fair to not only tell my parents but also my RC without even talking to me? I wasn't aware of all those things I do wrong. I am not saying I agree with all those point, but giving me the chance to even discuss about it. So I took all my energy and talked to her about it and tried to cooperate. I thought we talked about everything, and everything is fine again. Until the next day. Already after school when she picked me up, I felt the weird aura. I did not ask about it, it wasn't necessary. As soon as we got home she accused me of stealing. Frustraded of the whole situation I called my parents and as soon as I hung up my programm already called me to make sure I get ready to leave, to pack my stuff and be ready when they get here. I really didn't care anymore what is going to happen. But my RC made it possible for me to stay at her house. My RC has during the whole year always been like a mother to be. She is probably the most loving person. And still did I and my friends cause her problems. But because she is so busy, what definetly is not her fault. I felt again like I just should have went home. I didn't want to bother her all the time, so I tried to make as much as I can with friends. It probably was wrong to be out so much. But it made me feel less home sick than just being home and waiting for her to get back. The few days before I left I didnt realize that I should have taken my time to spend it with her. What makes me feel even more bad about myself. Because she was trying so hard for me after all of this to still have a good time. (I don't wanna say with this that I only had bad times during my exchange year, there where so many moments no one can ever replace. Most of those moment you find on my blog.) SINCE I'M BACK IN SWITZERLANDI was excited and ready to go home at this point of my year. But getting home was everything else than I expected. All of my friends got a new group of friends. It made feel like I'm not a part of the group. They didn't want to be my friends. Or most of my friends don't even care about me anymore. And I was just third wheeling everywhere I went with them.
It was so hard to enjoy summer and now that it got real good it's already over. I got a summer job at Mc Donalds, where I've been really busy working most of the summer. Until my apprenticeship started. I was excited to get to work in an office. But school was making me a nervous wreck. Anyhow, my job turned out to be a bummer. I am most of the time bored, I don't feel like a part of my team or even wanted from the people I work with. It is a huge diffrence to Mc Donalds, I was from the first day a family member. And I still am when I visit them. I'm ready to be working there again at the end of fall. What if no one is going to like me again? What if I don't fit in? My thoughts before my first day of school. The first day was not that bad in school but the two following weeks. But now some of my classes are really hard, but I always have fun with my friends. So school is better than expected. Everyday before I have to go to work I have to prepare myself mentally. I don't get instructions and as soon as I do something wrong, everything is my fault. Sometimes I can't take it anymore and cry in the restroom. All this time I have always been afraid of not being liked or not belonging where I am. I never felt this way before I went on my exchange year. I have always been confident. After a few month I realized I can't keep going with the life I have. I wanna be happy person. I don't want to cry myself to sleep because I am not happy with one year of my life, or because the situation I am in. But I am for sure going to be more positive. I am getting help with my depression and I hope my anxiety will fade away with that too. Right now I am questioning if I want to keep on doing this job. I am getting informations about stuff that I could be more instressted in. I would be sad to leave my class in school. Since I get along so well with most of them. But maybe I just make this 3 years, and work a few times a month at Mc Donalds and get good grades. After that I want to travel for a few year or study journalism. I will see what the future brings. I am already changing a lot in my life what gives me energy. I just make small steps every day but I keep on moving forward.
1 Comment
Stefan
9/15/2016 09:57:32 am
Hallo Debo
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